Pseudocanadaphobia

You might have noticed in my recent posts that I hate Canada. I do not hate Canada, or even the Canadians. It’s just that I hate what they DO. Love the sinner, hate the sin.  Who do they think they are, with their universal health care, true religious tolerance, and that infernal metric system. Damn them. Damn, damn, DAMN them.

Actually, this is my own highly humorous pseudocanadaphobia, developed during Facebook chats with Susie, who lives in Saskatoon, who watched Saskatoons on Saskatelly while using Saskatel for her Internet service.

Susie says quaint things like, “It’s almost 30 degrees up here” in mid-summer, forcing me to ask her what the hell that means in Fahrenheit.

Years ago, after ABC had a mini-series called Amerika, about the USSR take0ver of the USA, Saturday Night Live did a sketch called Kanada, in which a complacent American nation just let the Canucks waltz over the border and force us in the maple-iciousness and the metric system.

Well, I am all for the maple syrup, but even I am too old now to deal with a conversion to the metric system, although I still think it’s a good idea. In retrospect, that intensive metric education in seventh grade (known as Grade 7 in Canada) was a waste of time, because I couldn’t possibly explain a hectare to you without Wikipedia nearby. I give the cat ccs of insulin, I buy liter bottles of soda (that’s litres in Canada), I have kms on my speedometer, but that’s about it.

O Canada, if only you could take over the U.S., forcing health care and university educations down our throats. There’s nothing really awful about Canada, except the winters… and Alberta. For God’s sake, what is wrong with Alberta!? But otherwise, it’s not so bad. You just might like a Canadian takeover.

That’s take-oooo-ver in Canadian.

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